Advice? I think not.

At lunch today Jaci and I read the “Dear Abby” column in our local paper. Now this is not the first time we’ve read something in her column and disagreed with the solution she gave to the person writing in for advice. So I’ve decided, on the days she gives advice that I disagree with, I’m going to put it up here on my blog and give what I think should have been the correct advice and see if y’all agree.

Dear Abby: Every time we visit my in-laws, they feed my wife food that’s laced with peppers. Abby, my wife gets sick when she eats peppers, and I gently remind them during the cooking process about this. Yet the little suckers still appear in everything that’s offered to her. Short of stealing all the peppers in the house before a meal is made, what else can I do?
Upset in Houston

Dear Upset: Make sure your wife is well-fed before she visits the in-laws. And keep a stash of fruit and energy bars in the car if the visit is going to last more than three hours.

What? She calls that advice? Would she come visit me and let me make her sick every time and keep silent? I bet not. How about some real advice.

Dear Upset (pay attention here Abby): It’s obvious they don’t consider her health or your gentle reminders to have any importance. Actually it seems they don’t consider you or your wife to be of any importance to them or they would have stopped the peppers after the first request. Why don’t you and your wife try standing up for your rights and demand that they stop using peppers when you dine with them. And then if they don’t comply with your wishes, stop visiting until they agree to do so.

Charlie

Dear Charlie & Angie 6-6-05

With a guest opinion by Jodi.

Dear Charlie & Angie,
My girlfriend just got back from a romance book convention. She was exhausted and had a smile on her face. You would have thought she had a weekend of wild sex instead of a weekend meeting authors and other readers. She arrived home and promptly passed out. She said she spent the week talking about books with authors, readers, editors and booksellers. I don’t believe her. She came home with a huge load of books but that’s nothing unusual. She also had some toys, a wild assortment of condoms on sticks. She said she also ordered some more toys from one of the booths they had at the convention. Once she rested up, she got all excited and wanted to try some new and different things. I don’t believe she went to a book convention, I think she went to some sex convention. When I told her I didn’t believe this was a book convention she just laughed at me. I don’t think she fooled around while she was gone but I really wonder what went on during her convention. Do you think it would be unreasonable to ask to go with her? If it’s such fun, then I want to join in. Do you think she would understand that I would like to share in her enjoyment of the weekend? She only gets two weeks vacation every year and considering she used one of those weeks for a convention I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.
Lonely in Louisiana

Dear Lonely!
Of course she had a smile on her face! You were not there. Of course she went to a sex convention dick brain, what do you think a romantic book convention is? All those authors sitting around giving advice and tips while they sell their books! I bet Devilish Dot and Sire Don were probably on hand to help her pick out the toys for her goody basket. What you don’t get, dick brain, is that she's doing it for you! There you were sitting around bitching and complaining because you’re not getting anything and when she takes action...what do you do? You write to an advice column!! Stop your whining and ask her to show you what she learned, you idiot! Ask if you can join her next time she wants to go to the convention. Speak up and do something constructive cause whining turns us women off!

Jodi

Dear LiL
There were books at that conference? Are you sure? Is that what your wife told you? I was there and I don’t remember books. Huh. Guess I was too busy gettin' down with the models in the bar to notice. *snort* Dude, what’s up with you? Why not take this chance while your wife is away to visit a few nudie bars and do some winding up of your own. Then you can attack each other. No, no, don’t thank me for the advice, please, just stop your moaning. It’s unmanly and makes me want to do Tequila shooters. Or scratch my eyes out. Either way, it won't be pretty so shut up and be happy your woman actually wants to have sex with you. I can't imagine why.

Dear Jodi
*sigh* Why, oh why, am I surrounded by ignorant sluts? I was at that convention. It’s a book convention- not a sex convention. Do you think I would take my baby to a sex convention? What kind of mom do you think I am. Sheesh. Get a clue. Ignorant slut. Why not give this guy some useful tips, like how many dollar bills he’s going to need for the nudie bar and what exactly happens in those back rooms.

~Ms. Angie


Ms. Angie & Jodi
You ignorant sluts. The poor guy writes in asking for some serious advice about his girlfriend and all the two of you can do is belittle him. Are the two of you so insecure that you have to pick on everyone else? Trot your asses over to the nearest mirror and take a close look at the pathetic, snide little shit you see and then stand in a corner and repeat this: I am ok and I can be nice. Try that for 100 times and then next time see if you can offer up something besides trash talk.

LIL
You have every right to be concerned. Any therapist worth their salt would tell you that when a woman comes home and does either of two things…she’s cheating on you. One would be for her to have no sexual interest in you. The other would be for her to crave wild kinky sex with you, the kind she has never wanted before. It sounds like you got both treatments…so that has to mean she cheated more than once or had a ménage. Dump this cheater immediately and go find yourself a decent woman who will stay home and cook and clean and bear your children…you know…do the things women were meant to do.

Charlie
Now see girls…that’s the kind of advice you should be prepared to give in the future.

Dear Charlie & Angie 5-23-05

Dear Charlie and Angie,
I am engaged to a wonderful man that I can’t imagine living without. We have been planning our wedding for a year and it’s only a month away. We have been getting together with friends and family to celebrate our upcoming nuptials. I have met some of my fiancé’s friends and co-workers. Last night we had dinner with a co-worker of my fiancé, Jeff. Harriet and her husband asked us for dinner at a really nice restaurant. All seemed to be going well until we had finished dinner. We were waiting for dessert when Harriet started talking about missed opportunities. Every one commented on things they wished they had done or missed out on. Then she mentioned that she wished her and Jeff had taken the opportunity to have sex or at least given him a blow job. He looked stunned and I was completely floored. Her husband didn’t even blink an eye. Harriet went on to tell how she always wondered what his cock looked like and how it would feel in her mouth. By this point I was dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to say. When I turned to Jeff, he looked sick and confused. Jeff and I had already talked about what turned us on and off, who we have been attracted to and why. I knew there was no way he had ever been attracted to Harriet so I wasn’t jealous. I was angry with the woman though and she didn’t seem to care. She said that if I ever got tired of him to let her know because she would always be willing to pick up the slack. My first thought was she was drunk but I know she had only had one cocktail an hour earlier. I don’t know why she kept on talking about all the things she wanted to do with Jeff. Her husband just sat there eating his dessert as if she were talking about work. Jeff kept trying to change the subject and engage her husband in conversation. I told her I didn’t really want to hear anymore. She told me I would have to learn to live with the fact that I was marring a sexy man and lots of women would always want him. We will never be having dinner with this couple alone again. Jeff had already mentioned the only time he socialized with them was during the office parties. He was surprised when she asked us to join them for dinner. She totally pissed me off and by the time I left the restaurant I was so disgusted I didn’t even speak to them. How am I going to be polite with this woman at our wedding reception much less at the office functions we will be attending together? This attitude could cause problems for Jeff at the office though. She has a lot of power at Jeff’s office and can cause trouble for him if she gets angry. Should I just act as if it didn’t happen and hope it doesn’t again?
Disgusted in Delaware


Dear Disgusted,
You ignorant slut, you missed the perfect opportunity to engage in a chick fight and really turn your man on. Don’t you know men love that stuff? Just think how turned on Jeff would have been if he’d seen you willing to rip off your clothes and really engage in some mud-slinging with this bitch who dared come on to your man. And who knows, if you were really lucky, it might have resulted in a hot foursome later that night. Clearly, you weren’t thinking and let the green-eyed monster cloud your judgment. Why would you want to act like it didn’t happen? You should hope it does so you can jump on the opportunity (and on her- she sounds like a woman who knows what she wants).
~Ms. Angie (no, not Charlie, Angie)

Dear Charlie,
Dream on. You wish. Maybe now that I’ve taken your response, you can give this poor woman some real advice.
~Ms. Angie


Ms. Angie,
You ignorant slut. You got part of your advice right, but as usual you still suck with getting it all right. I may have to start editing your replies before you completely ruin someone’s life.

Dear Disgusted,
I’ll apologize for the sorry advice Angie gave you and treat you to some words of wisdom that will set you on the path to success with this problem. I know it may seem like the whole thing sucks but if you take the correct attitude this will work out to yours and Jeff’s advantage. Obviously the woman holds the key to Jeff’s career sucksess, use that key. Take advantage of her lust for him. Get them together asap and video the meeting. Then use that video as Jeff’s fast track to the top. And as an added bonus, I’ll just bet she’s the type who wouldn’t mind you putting the camera on a tripod and joining the fun. And if Jeff balks at going along with your scheme….well keep thinking of how nice it will be when he’s a sucksess and you can lounge around the pool with the cabana boys and I bet you’ll find the wherewithal to make him co-operate.
Charlie

About the Dear Charlie & Angie Columns

They will be back. Had a temporary malfunction. But as soon as my writing partner gets busy...we will strike again

Testing

He he, not gonna say what happened to my other blog.